Trading Sex for Safety
It took me years to realize that one of the main impetuses for me getting into a relationship with my ex-husband was safety. It is no mystery that how our parents behaved in their relationship when we were children impacts our behavior in romantic relationships as adults. We are usually either mimicking it or doing the opposite of it, both are within the bounds of the framework of our early education on how to be in a relationship. It wasn’t until I was in 14 years deep, many of which lacked sexual connection and physical intimacy, that I was able to see clearly how I unconsciously repeated what my mother chose in her marriage to my stepfather. I too chose a man that I imagined would be a good father (the opposite of my biological father), who is kind, and who would be faithful to me (unlike my father) to be in a long-term relationship and have children with. Like my mother, I traded sex for safety.
I spent years hoping the many beautiful overlaps I had with my ex-husband would transcend where sexual chemistry lacked. I prayed that connecting from a place of love and spirit would be enough. After years of deep healing experiences and gaining awareness about my own lack of self-trust in intimacy, most of the projections onto our relationship were stripped away. What remained was the same lack of attraction that had been there from the start. I held on tightly for so many years, in one regard because I didn’t want to break up the family, which for a long time I imagined was the only option. I later learned an even deeper hold was on the parameters of safety I unknowingly committed to. A (very dominant) part of me truly believed it was not possible to have a relationship with a loving person whom I had a spiritual connection with AND a sexual attraction to. Deep down in the shadowy realms of my psyche lurked a girl who was terrified of being hurt by loving another so much.
Here I spent all these years thinking the abandonment of my father and the lack of trust I had for men (replicated from my mother) was “under control” and therefore not having massive influences on my choice of relationships. Boy was I wrong. The authority of these two things was monumental. It dictated everyone I chose to be with and everyone I did not choose to be with. It impacted how I showed up in sexual relationships and how willing I was to let myself desire (in all areas of life.) The wounds that we experience as children need attention time and time again if we don’t want them to unconsciously direct our lives. Do not be tricked by our cunning subconscious. It will do whatever it takes to remain in what is know, for better and for worse. When we are ready to choose what we really want in our lives, the path can be daunting because it is not visibly laid out in front of us. It requires immense faith and trust in ourselves to proceed only seeing one step in front of us and not know what lies beyond.
Some days I have the faith and excitement to dance forward on to the next block of my life, and other days I procrastinate in the warmth of what is known.
One of the things that lifts me up out of my pause is knowing my essence that has been with me since I emerged from the womb and it will be with me until the day I die. When we need a kernel of truth about who we are, as we re-create ourselves over and over, we can rely on our unwavering essences. Regardless of what life looks like in a certain moment, in one way or another, our essence is being expressed or yearning to be expressed. When we embrace the essence of who we are, the next step toward our joy is available to see.
What are the qualities of your essence, the things that make you you, that have been there since you were born?
If you have a hard time answering this question, ask your parents, other family members, or people who have been in your life for many years, and have witnessed you through time. Knowing our essence is a guiding light for our whole lives. It is the needle that points us to our destination, without fail. It is our greatest resource and will allow us to navigate through darkness with grace and relative ease. When we revisit, remember, and revere our essences, our blindness will subside, and we will not “trade sex for safety.”
Dare to Desire!
Kristen