Beacons of Light
How much of your life circumstances are from you choosing by default rather than conscious choice?
I am currently experiencing the effect of what happens when we make choices by default. I gained clarity this year to separate from my husband and transform our relationship into what it more authentically is- that being a friendship and not lovers. At the end of September, we completed our lease in our family home. The plan was to move at that time into two separate houses. Because of finances and some logistical pieces, we decided to not do that and instead get a furnished house month-to-month for a few months to give us a longer runway to address these logistics. On the surface it could appear that a conscious choice was made, but really it was a choice based in thinking I couldn’t have what I wanted. I knew I wanted and needed to get in my own space. Yet because I felt afraid of certain things I didn’t fully commit, a.k.a make a conscious choice, and therefore it didn’t happen. Now six weeks into this decision, there is so much suffering. I feel like I am in a holding pattern.
Because I made a choice by default instead of conscious choice, I feel a lot of tension, grief, and resentment. I am having a challenge connecting with inspiration and appreciation. My children are suffering from feeling the tension, and acting out. The relationship with my ex is strained rather than feeling like we are on the same team. The challenges far outweigh the positives. This is often true when we make choices by default. Our access to joy is compromised and we suffer the consequence of not staying true to ourselves.
So often we make choices by not making choices at all. We look to our external circumstances, and others, following their lead. When we do this we are victims to our lives, rather than co-creators.
How many decisions in the last 24 hours were because you really had a desire to do it versus going along with habits?
For example, if you watched a movie or a TV show did you watch it because you had a burning desire to or did you watch it because there was nothing else to do?
When we make choices in our life in this way (and most of us do most of the time,) we’re never going to have a life that’s fully satisfying and joyful. It’s essential for us to take a stand for ourselves and make choices from a place of really wanting them to come to pass. The results that occur when we choose consciously is a key component in the equation of a truly satisfying and joyous life. This is the second part in the art of allowing.
The art of allowing begins with believing we can have anything that it is we want. Although this is a simple statement, putting into practice can be difficult. There are so many stories that can cause static inside of us, telling us whether or not we are deserving. Getting familiar with these narratives is essential for success.
Once we have an idea of what our disempowering stories are, we can begin debunking the myths, accepting all parts of ourselves, and having forgiveness for ourselves and others. From this state, we can sense what our desires are. We can cross check our desires by running them through the “truth mill of whys.”
Choose a desire and ask yourself why you want it. For example, if you want a new house to live in, ask why you want the kind of house that you think you want. Once you have an answer, ask yourself in response to that answer, why again. So if you wanted a new house to live somewhere that felt comfortable to you, then ask, “why do I want it to be comfortable to me?” Let’s say your response is so I can feel safe and nurtured in my home. Then you ask again and the response is so I am surrounded by beauty and inspiration. This final response is a supportive choice for your growth, versus an ego response in reaction to your environment. When we make choices by questioning our intentions, we are sure it is something we truly want and not just to feel validated by others. The important nugget in this conversation is to have a process of checking ourselves to be sure that we’re choosing consciously much more than we’re choosing by default.
So often we wonder why we are in the situation we are in. How did we get here what can we do to change it? We feel like victims to our circumstances and yet often times the way we got there was choosing by default. This is never going to bring the results we want. When we focus on our true desires and consciously choose them through focus and action, we are conscious creators.
Our primary job in life is sweet selfishness, focusing on what brings us joy. The more we consciously choose, the happier we are. The happier we are, the stronger a beacon of light we project into the world inspiring others. When we stand in the sovereignty ruled by our sincere desires, our capacity for holding others with compassion and love, regardless of their orientation and circumstances, is greatly expanded.
Dare to Desire!
Kristen