Boundaries vs. control
How often have you heard your kid say, “Mom stop being so controlling?” Sure there is a healthy dose of rebellion that sets in especially as your kids enter their tweens. However, this question is an excellent opportunity to take pause and self reflect. Are you actually setting a healthy boundary for yourself or your child? Or are you micro-managing even the smallest details of their lives?
Setting boundaries and being controlling are not the same thing. Often as women we do not learn how to set healthy boundaries. In fact, we are encouraged to prioritize the needs of others over our own. The widespread societal expectation defines a good wife, partner, and mother as essentially being boundary-less. We receive strong messages as little girls that setting clear boundaries will not lead us on a path of success, but rather one of rejection, isolation, and criticism.
When we do not set clear boundaries for ourselves, this leads to not trusting ourselves to take care of some of our very fundamental needs. As we reject these needs we begin to develop a defensive position that manifests as control. We exhibit controlling behaviors in emotional response to the lack of safety we feel. All of this is often unconsciously modeled to us by our female caretakers.
As we become adults, we begin to control others, as well as our environment. We take over in romantic relationships. We don’t allow our children to do activities that they are capable of doing by themselves. We instead do it for them. We suffocate others by the small daily actions we do for them because of our need to have it done a specific way or at a certain time.
When I became a mom, I was committed to take care of everything for my child. It took me a long time to realize that there was a shadow side to my mothering. I didn’t trust others to do the job the way I wanted and needed it to be done. I had a plan in my head, and without even realizing it, I bulldozed over my husband’s role as co-parent. I made decisions without even considering that he may have a different opinion or way he wanted something done. I micro-managed to the point of exhaustion. I projected frustration, and eventually resentment, onto my husband for not helping more, and yet I gave him very little space to help. My son became so accustomed to me doing everything for him that it has been challenging in the recent years (he’s approaching 12 now) to unlearn this unhealthy dynamic between us and rebuild one based on autonomy and self-trust. My pattern of controlling my environment to feel safe became glaringly obvious in motherhood.
Beneath the surface busy-ness to control our lives, we are fearful because we do not trust ourselves to take care of ourselves. No one ever taught us how to nurture the terrified child within that felt unsafe long ago who latched on to a pattern of control and micromanaging. It is essential to prioritize learning how to tend to the hurt parts of ourselves so that we don’t project our fear our lack of trust in the world onto our children and our partners. It is very common for us to unconsciously place the responsibility of our emotional well-being into the hands of our children and partners. Yet it is not their burden to bare.
Once I became aware that I was controlling, and also the roots of this dysfunction, a huge turning point occurred. I gave myself permission to set boundaries and not feel obligated for any reason, safety or other, to take care of others or the environment more than was my responsibility. It has been a powerful and liberating experience! It also has transformed my intimate relationships with family, friends, and most importantly myself.
If you consider yourself to be someone who is controlling or likes to be in control, or you receive the feedback from those close to you that you’re controlling them, take this reflection seriously. Have the courage to look within and uncover the roots of your mistrust. Your life will be exponentially better for it and you will set your loved ones free.
Dare to Desire!
Kristen