To my daughter

Breathe.  

Don’t hold it all in. 

You will get messages for your whole life, from every angle, to contract and make yourself smaller.  I see you learning from me to hold your belly tight and feel like you have to protect.  I am unlearning this. You are learning this.  I do not want to hand this down to you, and yet it is years of conditioning I am unpacking.  You are inspiring me to remember that this is not who I am.  This is not my essence.  Sometimes it feels so damn hard to let go.  

Since you have been here I have been struggling with myself.  The part of me that wants freedom versus the part of me that is terrified to soften.  Living in this city and having you stretching me, testing me in every moment, of every day to be bold and trusting- trusting of myself to say yes to my essence and believe fully that this is the truth- terrifies me so much at times I have felt frozen inside.  But then I look at you- your light, your smile, your laughter, and tears well up in my eyes.  I know that no matter how hard it feels at times I can not give up.  I will not leave this legacy with you.  

We will grow together and be uncomfortable and talk about it.  I will show you all of my messiness and tell you again and again it is not your job to take care of me.  It is however my job to show you that it is ok to feel all the big feelings that this world is afraid of.  Have the courage my sweet, young daughter to let yourself feel.  Your feelings are yours and only yours forever and always.  No one can take them away, except you.

I learned to squeeze all of my emotions- anger, resentment, fear, joy into a narrow spectrum of highs and lows that were acceptable and didn’t “make” others uncomfortable.  This has been one of my greatest sufferings.  I have dedicated my adult life to expanding my willingness to feel everything more fully, to give myself permission to revel in absolute ecstasy, pleasure, and rage, and to have acceptance for all that I am.   The smallness I had chosen because I thought it was the only way, is definitely not the only way.  

You are never too much.  Stay bold and bright in all of your bigness.  Question every one that tells you or shows you otherwise.  This too may be your greatest feat, as we live in a world that values smallness.  Owe it to yourself to shine.  Do for you and always for you.   

Yours,
Mama