Kids do not need to earn Trust
For the past couple of years, my 11-year-old son has taken to lying about what he is doing on a consistent basis. My immediate response was to call attention to his lying. I didn’t call him a liar, however I used a lot of language around him needing to build trust with me after the repeated choices he had made. Although I didn’t take his lying as a direct personal attack, I noticed in my mind I was beginning to think of him as a liar. I also noticed what became a pattern of lying became fuel for him to feel badly about himself. It was apparent the way I was approaching his behavior needed to change.
In my line of work, and in the way I live my life, I look at everything as a mirror of what is happening inside of myself. Our children are the ultimate reflection. As my son began to express more and more self-deprecating thoughts, I knew there must be something I was unconsciously modeling for him. The fact that I was orienting to my son’s mistakes as a breach of trust, rather than a kid making a choice to do some thing and then experiencing a certain result, was an indicator that I had some more work to do inside of myself in relationship to trusting life.
I took a deeper look at my own beliefs around trust. I sat with questions such as,
How much do I really trust myself to make the right choices?
How much do I trust that every single thing that happens to me as a blessing and something to learn from?
It isn’t until we come to a place of neutrality that we know we are fully trusting of life and that everything happens to us for a reason. The reason being for us to learn and grow. It is never for us to shame and blame ourselves or other people. This goes against the status quo of our victim culture. We are taught from the beginning to look outside of ourselves for the answers to our problems, i.e. blame everything to not take responsibility for our lives.
More than anything our children learn about life from our choices. They are attuned to our subtlest states. We do not have to say anything out loud, they are master interpreters of our unconscious expression. This is how lineage patterns are transmitted. Most often we wouldn’t consciously pass down our baggage to our children. Instead, we would do anything we could to not pass it down. Yet still so much of what caused us suffering they inevitably receive. It is a painful reality of being a parent and one of the ways for us to practice self-forgiveness and welcome grace.
When we believe that our children must earn our trust, we are passing down to them our lack of trust in life. The next time you find yourself calling your child a liar or telling them they need to earn your trust, take a moment of pause to go inward. This is a magnificent opportunity for you to inquire where you may be lacking trust in the perfection of the unfolding of your life. It is also an excellent opportunity for you to ask yourself where you do not trust that you will make quality decisions.
Being a parent is not about doing it perfectly. It is about withholding projections onto your children and taking responsibility by becoming ever more aware of your unconscious material. Our children are great teachers. Recognize them as the gift they are. Receive their actions as mirrors for where you may refine your own character. The goal is to live as closely to your essence as possible. In this realm there is no question of earning trust. It just is.
Dare to desire!
Kristen