What Makes a Boy?
I asked my 11-year-old son today what he thinks makes a boy a boy (genitalia aside.) I was curious to hear from him what messages he had received up to this point in his life about what makes a boy. I was pleasantly surprised to hear him have only a few, more superficial responses. Initially he took pause because to him biology seemed the only influential factor. When I invited him to feel into it more, the conversation went like this:
A: The clothes I wear.
He likes soccer and wears primarily soccer gear. He said the girl’s jerseys have a slimmer cut.
To clarify I asked,
K: If you found a soccer shirt you loved but it was a girl’s cut, would you not buy it?
A: I would buy it but I would only wear it at home because my (boy) friends would make fun of me. The colors of clothes too. Like a pink shirt with a sparkly pink heart I wouldn’t wear. I would get a black shirt with a black heart instead.
I smiled at this, not losing heart.
Lastly, he said,
A: Boys don’t have long hair.
I found this pretty ironic since we live in Southern California and it is pretty normal for boys to have long hair here (not to mention some of his best friends have long hair.) I’m pretty sure he absorbed this message from our previous home in North Carolina where, as a 5-year-old, we cut his waist length hair for the first time.
My curiosity to have this conversation with my son was spurred on by an earlier talk I had with a dear friend about a research project she did. One of the project’s topics was on men’s relationship to their sensitivity. Through interviews, various adult men shared traumatizing moments they had early in their childhood that had profound impacts on how they thought they were supposed to behave as boys/men. Years later, seemingly uneventful moments, like a comment overheard on the elementary school playground, made a lasting impact, seeding behaviors that would carry through to adulthood. The misfortune of these messages is they were not at all based in truth and easily misinterpreted by a child’s mind. If only they had an adult in the moment to explain and give alternative options rather than the interpretation being left open to the very literal child’s mind.
While talking with my friend, I wondered whether my son had any of these experiences either inside our home or among peers that left a limited impression of gender upon him. If so, what were they? I thought right now would be a powerful time to talk with him about this as soon he would be entering puberty where a whole new set of expectations is laid upon young men. Creating a safe space to talk about gender myths with our sons, as well as debunking any mistruths before they had the opportunity to really take root, felt powerful.
Although he did not have a lot to say in this moment, his definition of boy felt genuinely encompassing and relaxed. At this stage in his life he has had friends that are varied in their expression of gender and physical appearance. He also has had limited exposure to media, movies, etc. This has allowed him to have his life experience, personal opinion, and internal values be acting guides for defining gender. He has not yet been heavily swayed by cultural stereotypes as he one day will be.
I am excited to continue to check in with him on a consistent basis about how this definition changes as he navigates these next few years of puberty into manhood. It is so important to have conversations with our children about taboo topics. If we have them early on, we can dispel the myths that they may latch on to and provide alternate choices based more in truth, inclusion, and love. This alone can make the difference between our sons learning to trust their authentic expression and preferences instead of collapsing into the diseased stereotypes of the status quo.
Dare to Desire!
Kristen