Letting me fall away
How good are you at having an idea and then letting it go in service of rebuilding on a foundation of your newfound awareness?
When I was initially separating from my husband, I had all sorts of ideas, some conscious and some unconscious, about what I thought it meant to continue being family post divorce. I had perceptions on what a healthy divorce looked like. I didn’t have great modeling for what might be most beneficial, therefore many of my ideas came from inside of me. Because my frame of reference was only what I knew, the influence ranged from inspiration to unconscious beliefs that keep me “safe.” I envisioned us continuing on as good friends without skipping a beat. We planned to have consistent family dinners a few times a week, to go on family outings, and basically be functioning in a many ways that we had been. The primary difference being we would not live under the same roof or identify as husband and wife. A very important thing I hadn’t taken into consideration was that the version of myself that was making these plans was the version that had not yet transitioned out of the marriage relationship. As a way to protect myself from taking the full leap into the unknown, I unconsciously latched onto a new version of relating that was in a lot of ways a minor variation from what we had already been living.
Now that I have been living on my own for three months and have truly begun the disentanglement process, I see that the way I was thinking did not give myself the space, the freedom, to feel what it was that I actually wanted moving forward. This version did not allow me to gain awareness around our patterns of codependency. Instead it caused a tension because though we took action to move into separate spaces, we were still engaging in a similar way. I have found that I need to be willing to let go of all the ideas I created on how we will relate. I need to be willing to fully let go and leap into the unknown to gain the clarity I am seeking. It is here that I will find the answers and likely they will be much better than I could have imagined a few months ago. Part of letting go is accepting that one outcome is that my ex and I may have no relationship except for conversations regarding the children. When we take action to step out of one box we created and into a new design, we need to be open to any outcome to allow the guidance of pure potentiality to move through us.
It has been a humbling process to practice this in my separation. Yet it is the path to letting something even grander grow out of the parts of our lives that are outmoded. Sometimes we need to burn it to the ground knowing that the seeds that grow will be nourished by the ashes of the old and grow a healthier, stronger version of ourselves. Every day we have the opportunity to integrate our new awareness into our lives. To do this fully and reap the benefits, we need to be willing to let go the constructs we put in place to keep ourselves safe in what is known. In my current situation, it means letting go of the ideas I had about what family means and how we are supposed to relate post separation and divorce. It means being willing to step into the unknown, knowing that whatever relationship I do have with my ex in the future is going to be based on one that is from me listening deeply to what I want to create now in my life. It will be partially based in new awareness about unconscious patterns that were running during the relationship that caused suffering. It will also be based on the ability to see more clearly an upgraded version of what I desire each step along the way.
We have opportunities every day in our lives, and especially during times of big transition, to take leaps into the unknown. We can open to seeing what we were unable to see before that prevented us from having what we want. When we do this, new opportunities gracefully appear, moving us toward that which we now desire. The beautiful thing is that though it is a journey with ourselves, within ourselves, we can look to others all around us that are on the same journey of leaping towards a greater version of themselves. We can be inspired in knowing that even when we feel alone, we are not alone in this courageous act of stepping toward what we truly desire. We are supported always and when we remember this we can see and experience that support coming into form in many unexpected ways. It is in this state that we are most receptive to allowing guidance come through us and present the next step in our path that leads us forward.
Dare to Desire.
Kristen