Celestial Navigation
I am feeling so many things about moving into my own space for the first time in 15 years. I am excited to have mornings to my own rhythm. I am scared to feel lonely being away from my kids. I am inspired to have hours to be in my own uninterrupted creative space. I am grieving the safety net of support that we have woven over these past 15 years. I am thrilled at leaving the co-dependent and dysfunctional patterns that we have been repeating for so long. I am stressed about surviving on my own, even though I know so well how to do this, it’s just been so long…
There are so many tender layers to disentangling from a long-term relationship with children involved. So many years were spent creating this house we live in, and leaving it behind feels a little like leaving a body part behind. And yet, the reason I am choosing this is because a different part was left behind, and she does not fit into this configuration. I have tried in so many different ways. Tried and tried again, and now I am ready to admit, there is some faulty wiring in this house and the best bet for success is to burn it to the ground and rebuild from a new design. My new design, where I am the architect, co-creating with god, is an outcome that will house all of my desires.
When faced with the unknown and the next steps towards your desire are unclear, do you collapse in fear or do you expand into faith?
How resilient are you?
Do you allow yourself to be guided by your desire and soften into receptivity?
I write this 10 days from our move out date, with no f*cking idea where I will call home next. I have been searching and it is not working. Something is not clicking in. It is efforted and simply not right. Today I breathe back and rest. I know there is clarity in the still point. I just need to allow myself to settle into listening, the next direction is underneath the agitation that has been with me this week. I console my survival nerves that have been flaring up, and quell myself with the truth that I know I am not going to be homeless. I am held and supported, as are my children. So what is my truest desire underneath the nervousness? What exists beyond the timelines, beyond the logic, beyond the finances? What is the situation where I will thrive most in this next stage? Is it a short-term transitional safe house to simply get into two spaces and feel autonomous again and then make a long-term decision? Is it having a short stay together as a family in one house until two houses present that are a good match? One thing that feels clear is I am ready to hear my voice. It has been difficult to distinguish amidst the emotional static of this monumental transition.
There are moments when my inspiration feels far away and I even consider if I am making a mistake with this decision. Then there are other moments when I know that I am much closer to manifesting a truer version of myself, and the life I desire, than I realize. I can sense it just around the blind bend. I just can’t see the pieces yet, so I go on faith and following the sensations in my body as my map of truth. These constellations light my way, one dot to dot at a time. When they feel too dim to sense, I know to get quiet and listen for their sweet whisper calling out to me.
My lifeline in these emotional waves is choosing the quietude and giving myself the gift of listening to my body talk. All our answers lie within. Sometimes the hardest part is allowing ourselves to receive the wisdom of our hearts.
Dare to Desire-
Kristen