An Epidemic of Shoulds

How much of your day do you spend doing what you feel you should be doing rather than what you want to be doing? 

Should because that is how you were taught

Should because you are a parent and your kid needs______

Should because someone asked you to

Should because if you don’t what will “they” think

Should because who would you be if you were not the person who did all the things you should have done all these years!?

If you were not “shoulding,” do you know what it is you would want to be doing?

We “should” ourselves out of hearing our truest desires.

Every time we do something that we feel like we should do and that we don’t actually want to do for any myriad of reasons, we take one step further away from ourselves.  Accumulate these steps over a number of years and you are light years away from knowing who you are and what you really want.  At least it can feel this way.

The more we refuse to honor what we really want, even the small things that comprise the moments of each day, the more we desensitize ourselves to our desires.  We slowly build a fortress around us laying one “should” brick at a time.   Years pass and our desires become deeply contained within a thick-walled, windowless structure without a door, seemingly inaccessible. 

The question becomes,

“How do I know what it is I truly want, devoid of the many external influences bombarding me each day?” 

 and

“How do I listen to the quiet whisper within (that never truly abandons me) and not filter it through the lens of my familial and cultural beliefs?”

It takes time, consistency, and a willingness to welcome all of yourself.  Fortunately it does not take nearly the amount of time it took to build up this wall of protection.  In order to hear the whisper of your knowing, you need to learn to listen – to get quiet, and be patient and loving.  To build self-trust once again you will need to not only hear the voice, but take action on it as well.  This is perhaps the biggest key and the scariest as well.  Choosing our desires will likely bring disappointment at times and even hurt to those you love.  In these moments, having communication skills to navigate your relationships with love and grace is essential.  In addition, if you have been chronically dismissing your own desires and replacing them with the needs of another, you may very well have convinced yourself that what you are doing is what you desire.  Come to find out it is not and never was what you desired, it was what you thought you “should” desire to gain the love/ acceptance of another.  This is complex shit y’all.

Let me share a story.

A year and a half ago, my partner and I decided to divorce.  This (huge) decision to listen to my inner most voice about what I desired catapulted me into a still ongoing process of debunking all of the lies I have told myself about what I thought I wanted. After all this time I continue to walk through a tunnel of transformation stripping away what I do not want.  I have been left with a wide-open slate that has admittedly been quite terrifying at times.  In this immensely spacious realm of possibility, I often sit with myself asking questions about what it is I truly desire. 

You see, I had trained myself so perfectly to not show, even to myself, what I desired for fear of being devastated.  This is a coping mechanism I developed as a young child that fortified in my teens.  When I experienced my first heartbreak in my early twenties, some of the bricks crumbled down only to be replaced by a bigger, stronger wall.  On the surface, most wouldn’t know this is what was occurring in my inner landscape.  I became a master chameleon.  When my thirties came around and I became a mother, a new version of martyr, caretaker unconsciously kicked in.  And when I say kicked in, I mean in hyper-mode.  I willingly and happily self-abandoned, giving my heart, my attention, and my body to my son.  A part of me experienced joy at the amount of time and presence I shared with my young son.  What I did not know was a part of me also began quietly wilting inside.  My choices were far out of balance and the scale tipped so far over to utter loss of self and merging into the mother-son unit.  Throughout my journey, I have not been totally blind to this imbalance in my relationship to self and at the same time I was playing out an amplified version of the chronic pattern of self-abandonment.  It has been a bit of two steps forward, 3 steps back.  I have however only in the recent years been willing to look at myself with a raw honesty revealing the magnitude of the tales I have told myself about life, relationship, and desire.

There are a few simple steps you can do to begin to break the trance and connect with your sincere desires.

· Check in with yourself throughout the day about your actions.  Ask am I doing this because I want to or because I should?  There of course will be things like going to the grocery store or paying bills that you may be doing only because you should (this can also change with an attitude adjustment, but lets not focus on these things at the moment.)

· Begin to bring balance into your days of doing things you actually want to do and the tasks that you should do. If you aren’t sure what this is a clue is what uplifts you. 

· Practice setting boundaries, especially with those you find it most challenging to do this with- your partner, your kids.  Say “no” and do something you want to do instead.

· Have a daily practice of listening.  This may at first look like simply sitting quietly with yourself and noticing what sensations you feel in your body.  You can take some deep, gentle breaths and place a hand on an area of tension.  This is the beginning of a dialogue with yourself that you are present and listening.  The next step to this practice is acknowledging what emotions you may be feeling without trying to change them.  Instead welcome any parts of you that feel _____ (fill in the blank with any uncomfortable emotion.)

We have been trained and have continued this path of training ourselves to disconnect with our most precious needs.  This is compounded by being women, who for generations have been measured by our willingness to self-sacrifice.  The act of discerning your desires and taking action on them is nothing short of revolutionary.  It is a pathway that brings compassion, gentleness, and even more magnificence to our communities both near and wide.  And the revolution begins within ourselves first.      

Dare to desire!

Kristen