our Erotic Nature
When I was 18, my best friend and I had the honor of being one of the coordinators for the Northampton Lesbian Festival. We were by far the youngest women in the crew. Some of the other woman thought it would be funny to put us in charge of the sex toys workshop led by sex educator, pornographic actress, and feminist stripper, Annie Sprinkle. We had no idea who she was or what the workshop was going to be about. We naively went to our post to prepare for ticket taking.
When we arrived, we saw a whole display of sex toys and a woman dressed in S&M gear. I didn’t quite know what to make of it. I was pretty unexposed to the world of role playing and sex toys. In fact, I felt so much internalized shame about even having stirrings of sexual desire at all, that adding “unconventional” elements to the mix felt like a no fly zone. I think I navigated the next hour and a half with grace from an outside perspective, but inside I was highly uncomfortable. All of the impressions I had as a girl came flooding back to me - “Sex is shameful. A woman in her desire is repulsive. Women who are open about having sex are trashy. And on and on.” There were so many unspoken rules about what was OK and not OK for a woman and sex. My teenage years had repeatedly impressed these rules upon me.
When I was 12, in the beginning stages of puberty and having my first sexual experiences, I felt both in over my head and also curious to explore these intense desires and sensations in my body. This raw and vulnerable exploration was coupled with an intense slut shaming from my peers, spreading lies about my sexual activity. I was given a painful experience of just how punished a woman (girl) can be for having desire and acting on it. I felt like the target of a whole community of women and girls sexual shame. Very quickly pleasure came to represent isolation, rejection, unworthiness, and shame. I denied my curiosity to explore as a survival instinct. I had a deep terror of my sexual desire, my sexual power, and my sexual voice. I had a fear of my erotic nature.
In my mind or with myself I would explore some, but in relationship to others I barely explored what I desired for fear that I would be shamed and despised. I became detached and uninvested in sexual experiences letting my body be the play thing (for men) that media presented it to be. I carried this pain with me for years. I repressed a huge part of who I was, compartmentalizing myself into fabricated roles. I lied to myself for so long that I lost touch with who I was or what I actually wanted. This impacted all the areas of my life, not just my intimate relationships. I was afraid to let myself desire.
When I was in that Annie Sprinkle workshop so many years ago, I was uncomfortable but here’s the thing, I also was in awe. I had no idea that any of this was even an option. Here this woman was speaking so freely about desire and sexual acts, that stemmed from her desire and exploration, in front of an auditorium full of curious women. She was not ashamed or rejected. Some of my spark came back that day. What was intended to be a playful prank turned out to be an incredible blessing.
The messaging we get right from the start of our lives is to fear our erotic nature. Society separates out the good girls from the bad. In order to make the cut, we need to maintain a stale, straight and narrow path of sexual expectations based on keeping women contained and under control. I internalized this messaging so much that I was the one keeping my own self in control by repressing many aspects of my desire. It doesn’t have to be another person doing the controlling. This is an antiquated paradigm that needs to be shattered. Thankfully, there is nowadays an attempt at displaying female pleasure in mainstream media. There is also more of an acceptance for sexuality being a spectrum rather than black or white, straight or gay. These are steps in the right direction. And I want more!
What is your erotic nature?
What is true for you?
Not what you think you are supposed to do or be.
Not a role that you are supposed to play.
We live in a time where pornography has a widespread impact and suggests what we are supposed to desire and how we are supposed to perform. Media, in all its forms, defines what is sexy. There is so little room for us to actually be supported to explore who we are as a sexual being and what our own, personal, erotic nature truly is.
Do you know that answer for yourself?
Do you give yourself permission to really feel what it is that you desire?
Or do you construct the way you look, sound, and what you ask for based on media, porn, partner’s expectations?
Your own unique sexual expression and desire is a powerful gift to yourself and anyone you choose to share with.
How much is shame holding you back in your sex life and quite frankly, all areas of your life?
We have been blessed with these magnificent bodies to express and explore. Let’s do it ladies!
Free yourself from the shackles of shame and shine. It’s time to feel maximum pleasure and joy.
Dare to Desire!
Kristen