Honoring Our No
Honoring our clear no’s is equally as important as honoring our clear yes’s.
I’m a couple weeks out from my 5th wedding anniversary and I’m spending my first night alone in my new apartment. It has been almost 15 years since I last had my own place; 15 years of convincing myself over and over again why I should stay. Somehow I managed to spend 15 years in a romantic relationship that was always a clear no. My fears cleverly justified this relationship before I even got into it and continued to many times throughout the years. My “good girl conditioning” defended my choice like a cunning lawyer defends their guilty client’s case. The momentum of guilt, shame, and too much not enough-ness had me hung. The relationship didn’t stand a chance.
As I sit here now, a swell of grief arises as tears pour down my cheeks. My womb is throbbing asking myself, “what have I done?” I was terrified to love. I was terrified to let my heart be broken. I was terrified to let myself truly be held. So many times I closed the door to love and joy. It has taken me years of dissecting why it is we as women continue to make choices that are a clear no for us. Social pressure keeps us waffling between what is too much and too little, unconsciously impacting our most important choices. The only way out is to create a new “box” to reside in. A “home” that is untainted by the diminutive nature of societal expectations of girls and women.
At this point in my life, with the wisdom I have gained, I’m beginning to think that one of the greatest acts of love we can do as women is to honor our clear no’s. If we firmly shut the door when a no presents itself, we allow other opportunities to be seen that are clear yeses we couldn’t see before. No more justification, ambiguity, and confusion about what we already have a clear answer to. We can spend days, months, even years of our lives trying to convince ourselves out of our no because we feel like we should. Let us support one another to have the courage to follow only what feels really good in our relationships, in our lifestyle choices, and in the ways we serve.
The epidemic of ignoring our no’s (and yes’s) creates immense pain and suffering for humanity. It allows a lackluster mediocrity to be the baseline of so much of human existence. This is an action where we as women can stand strong in our desires and literally transform the planet. The power of this shift in consciousness and in turn action is seismic. We are magnificent creative geniuses lobotomized by the conditioned fear of desire. So often we are numb to what we want and don’t know how to begin listening again to our desires, never mind acknowledging and taking action from it. There is a chasm between the woman who walks in this world in her day-to-day life and the part of us that is our true essence. The results of this dimming are a well known travesty. Banding together, we can create a bridge of deep listening to our bodies, our needs, and shift us into greater pleasure and joy while massively increasing the bandwidth of love on this planet.
As each one of us has the courage to walk across this bridge and meet ourselves, we inspire others to do the same. As we take steps toward what it is we truly want, moving forward with such a powerful clear yes, we infiltrate the collective consciousness with empowerment. As one of us changes, we all begin to change. The ripple effect is undeniable.
I implore you to pause in your life and reflect upon your status right now. Comb through what feels like clear yes’s for you now - only absolute, undeniable yes’s - and keep dancing with those things. Do the same for the clear no’s. This can be a scary invitation because it may result in huge changes. You may have something petty that comes to mind that is a fast, easy change or it may be something like a loving 15-year relationship that just simply isn’t the right fit. Whatever it is, stop justifying and naming all the reasons why it should work or why you shouldn’t make a change and instead focus on what it feels like to be the woman who already has what she actually wants. Feel the exhale and liberation. Our lives are too precious to waste away years choosing how we think we’re supposed to be rather than choosing who we really want to be. The choice to honor our desires is an action where every single person really does make a difference.
Dare to Desire!
Kristen