Blind Spots

Last month I was talking with a friend about my separation process with my husband.  In our conversation, she reflected that the way I was thinking about moving into my own space was totally disempowered.  

Here I was, 3 months after sharing I didn’t want to be husband and wife anymore, in the midst of Co-Vid, still in the gorgeous house we live in on the ocean, feeling that hunger to take the next step. Oh wait, I felt that hunger 3 weeks ago and here I am now in the same situation.  I had said the big thing, and then… nothing.  I had fallen back into my old pattern of caretaking and not communicating my needs to him.  Instead, I silently decided he was under a lot of financial pressure and that it wasn’t a good time to tell him I was ready for an exit strategy.  

This is where my friend stopped me!  She said, “Are you waiting on him to take the lead on declaring a move out date and volunteering to pay for the whole transition?”  It was like a punch in the stomach.  “Well, kind of,” I thought.  “I was imagining we would do it together.”  “But that is the whole point, she said, that you start making your own decisions based on your needs.”  I was totally (and unconsciously) waiting for him to make the money and then prioritize my desire to move out now.  The courage I had to claim my desire to transition our relationship was followed by an immediate backlash.  This backlash put him in control (that he didn’t even want) of my move and timing.  Not to mention, it put a whole lot of extra financial pressure on him.  If I stayed the course with this dynamic, it would have made our transition from marriage to friends laden with resentment and projection.  It also would have been a missed opportunity to heal a part of myself that yielded unwanted results in my life for a very long time.  This was a chance I really didn’t want to miss!

The ending of a relationship, especially a long-term one, presents a ripe moment for great awareness and growth.  If we let the desire to grow burn stronger than our grief, we can be receptive to seeing our responsibility in the relationship’s demise with great clarity.  If there is the option to communicate with our exs, we can take full responsibility for any projections, and a cycle of victimhood is broken.  We can then move forward into our next relationships with the wisdom to create bonds that are even more balanced and aligned than the previous ones. 

The great moment of awareness that came from my friend’s reflection was I had been acting from the wound of my abandoned toddler.  For many months, I wanted someone to take care of me and support me in a way I hadn’t felt before.  I put up a temporary wall of rejecting all money coming in.  I stopped seeing clients for a period of time and wanted only to be supported by my husband.  I felt righteous about receiving this and was having an internal toddler tantrum where I was completely unwilling to budge on this one.  For the first time in my life, I threw in the towel on making money and (my toddler) was happy to have someone who would and could be there for me.  Of course having her in my driver’s seat was a surefire way to get into a car crash, and fast.  I had to put control of my finances (and my future) back into the hands of my most aware, empowered part.  

It never ceases to amaze me, the incredible skill that our minds use to concoct stories and place meaning upon things to keep us in our cycles of safety.  Even with years of studying this stuff, and heaps of experience both personally and with clients, I tricked myself into not seeing clearly.  I was sabotaging the outcome I desired and had set into motion.  I was also sabotaging the supportive friendship I had with my ex, creating tension and resentment that didn’t need to be there at all.  

How many of you out there relate to what I am saying?  

You know when you get moments of absolute clarity and take action from this clarity, and then you delay the next action for any number of reasons? Next thing you know, you find yourself slightly bumped off of your new track into the good old rut of disempowering patterns.  We ALL do this!!!  It takes a gentle, firm hand to keep redirecting one’s self back onto the path of true desire. Thank goodness for friends, coaches, and other people who help remind us what we truly want. 

I am walking the path beside you. 
Let’s keep on shining. 

Dare to Desire!

Kristen